Jokes

[Ivan]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

[tremor]

Warning: Contains crude language.

Spoiler

One morning Timmy's walking past his parents' room when he hears them arguing. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and his dad calls his mom a bitch. Curious, Timmy walks into the room and asks his parents what those words mean. His parents quickly exchange looks, and say "ladies and gentleman". That night, Timmy's walking past his parents' room and hears them talking. His mom tells his dad that he has a nice dick and his dad tells his mom that she has nice tits. Curiousity getting the better of him once again, Timmy walks in their room and asks them what those words mean. Once again, his parents exchange looks and say "hats and coats". The next morning Timmy walks into the bathroom to find his dad shaving. Dad accidentally cuts himself and yells "Sh*t!". Timmy asks him what that word means and dad says "I'm shaving Timmy, go downstairs to the kitchen and help your mother". Timmy goes downstairs into the kitchen and finds his mother cutting the turkey. Mom accidentally cuts herself and yells "F*ck!". Timmy then asks her what that word means and mom says "I'm cutting the turkey Timmy...why don't you go welcome the guests into the house?". Timmy walks to the front door, opens it, looks at the guests and says "Welcome bitches and bastards! Please hang your tits and dicks on the wall. My dad's upstairs wiping the sh*t off of his face and my mom's in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

 

[tequila]

Warning: Contains crude language.

Spoiler

One morning Timmy's walking past his parents' room when he hears them arguing. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and his dad calls his mom a bitch. Curious, Timmy walks into the room and asks his parents what those words mean. His parents quickly exchange looks, and say "ladies and gentleman". That night, Timmy's walking past his parents' room and hears them talking. His mom tells his dad that he has a nice dick and his dad tells his mom that she has nice tits. Curiousity getting the better of him once again, Timmy walks in their room and asks them what those words mean. Once again, his parents exchange looks and say "hats and coats". The next morning Timmy walks into the bathroom to find his dad shaving. Dad accidentally cuts himself and yells "Sh*t!". Timmy asks him what that word means and dad says "I'm shaving Timmy, go downstairs to the kitchen and help your mother". Timmy goes downstairs into the kitchen and finds his mother cutting the turkey. Mom accidentally cuts herself and yells "F*ck!". Timmy then asks her what that word means and mom says "I'm cutting the turkey Timmy...why don't you go welcome the guests into the house?". Timmy walks to the front door, opens it, looks at the guests and says "Welcome bitches and bastards! Please hang your tits and dicks on the wall. My dad's upstairs wiping the sh*t off of his face and my mom's in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

LMAO! oh the things little kids learn these days

 

[tremor]

LMAO! oh the things little kids learn these days

:lol: Ya like that? That's my secret weapon of jokes lmao.


Here's some "Confucious says" jokes:

Spoiler

Confucious say man who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Confucious say man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucious say baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucious say man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Confucious say it take many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.

Confucious say man who drive like hell bound to go there.

Confucious say man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Confucious say man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucious say virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.

Confucious say man who behave like ass will be butt of those who crack jokes.

Confucious say too damn much.

 

[Romero]

Here's some "Confucious says" jokes:

Spoiler

Confucious say man who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Confucious say man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucious say baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucious say man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Confucious say it take many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.

Confucious say man who drive like hell bound to go there.

Confucious say man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Confucious say man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucious say virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.

Confucious say man who behave like ass will be butt of those who crack jokes.

Confucious say too damn much.

Lol those are so good! :lol:

 

[blivvy]

What do u call a spanish streaker?

Señor Willy

 

[Mr Sunshine]

I've translated this by myself. I don't know if it was done properly but whatever..

A black man enters a bar to have a drink. A company of white people who are also there notice his presence and start making fun of him. "Hey black guy" says one of them "Do you know why blacks have white hands? They were up against a wall when God painted them!" The company starts laughing but the black guy remains calm enjoying his drink. "Hey black guy" says the same person after a while "Do you know why blacks have white hands and feet? They were on all fours when God painted them!" The company keeps laughing but the black guy still remains calm and does nothing. After some time though he stands up and asks the white guy who previously taunted him "Hey white guy, do you know why your ass deep inside is black?". "Why?" replies the white man wondering. "When I was ****ing you, I was freshly painted!"

 

[JaguarsSoul]

That joke is f'cking awesome xD

 

[weskerfan]

Warning: The following joke contains explicit content and should not be viewed by anyone under the age of eighteen.
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What is the diffrence between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick up a girls ass!

 

[Capcomplicated]

Warning: The following joke contains explicit content and should not be viewed by anyone under the age of eighteen.
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What is the diffrence between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick up a girls ass!

lmao...some guys try though

 

[Silverfern]

Three guys are debating who has the best Memory. The first guy says: "I can remember the first day at Elementary School."
The Second guy says: I can remember my first day at Nursurey School."
Not to be outdone, The third guy says: "That's nothing! I remember going to the Senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

 

[Elochai]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

 

[weskerfan]

No.
Why did he hang himself?

 

[Silverfern]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Hahaha! aww I know this one, it took me a while to figure out this.

No.
Why did he hang himself?

It's not Hang, its Hung. Figure out what Hung means. :lol:

 

[JaguarsSoul]

It means something disgusting, doesn't it xD?

 

[Romero]

It means something disgusting, doesn't it xD?

Yes yes! :lol:

 

[Elochai]

YES! FINALLY! Someone in the WORLD has figured it out! lol I have yet to meet anyone that has either known the joke or figured it out on their own. Much love for Silver right now lol.
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Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher said, “I want you to tell me a story and tell me the logic behind it.” First Susan raised her hand and said, “Well my mom, dad, and I were hunting for Easter eggs and we found them all, but by the time we got them all home they were all broken.” The teacher asked her, “What is the logic behind that?” Susan replied, “Don’t put all your eggs in the same basket.”

Then little johnny raised his hand and the teacher said, “OK Johnny whats your story?” Johnny began, “Well my uncle Ted was in the military and he flew 27 successful Apache Chopper missions into Arabia and got shot down on the 28th. The only things he had were a boot knife, an assault rifle and a fifth of Jack Daniels. Well, he was walking through the desert when he got ambushed by 100 Arabs. He killed 70 of them with the assault rifle, 20 of them with the knife before it broke and 10 of them with his bare hands.” Then the teacher asked, “What’s the logic behind that story?” Little Johnny said, “Don’t f*ck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

 

[blivvy]

lmao

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

 

[Capcomplicated]

YES! FINALLY! Someone in the WORLD has figured it out! lol I have yet to meet anyone that has either known the joke or figured it out on their own. Much love for Silver right now lol.
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Little johnny was in class one day and the teacher said, “I want you to tell me a story and tell me the logic behind it.” First Susan raised her hand and said, “Well my mom, dad, and I were hunting for Easter eggs and we found them all, but by the time we got them all home they were all broken.” The teacher asked her, “What is the logic behind that?” Susan replied, “Don’t put all your eggs in the same basket.”

Then little johnny raised his hand and the teacher said, “OK Johnny whats your story?” Johnny began, “Well my uncle Ted was in the military and he flew 27 successful Apache Chopper missions into Arabia and got shot down on the 28th. The only things he had were a boot knife, an assault rifle and a fifth of Jack Daniels. Well, he was walking through the desert when he got ambushed by 100 Arabs. He killed 70 of them with the assault rifle, 20 of them with the knife before it broke and 10 of them with his bare hands.” Then the teacher asked, “What’s the logic behind that story?” Little Johnny said, “Don’t f*ck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

lol no one figured it out on their own? how many people have yo told?

btw its very funny :lol:

 

[JaguarsSoul]

Blivvy, what a disgusting, funny joke xD