Jokes

[Torque]

I searched the forums and I couldn't seem to find a thread where users can post up some funny jokes for everyone to see.

So I've decided to make it and hope you will all have a chuckle or at least a smile on your face after reading some jokes.

Anyone can post their jokes here and/or share their reaction to a particular joke.

I'll kick things off...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Torque]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

He never heard the shot....

 

[Romero]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Ha ha! That was a good one. :lol:

 

[Torque]

True British funny medical stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath




3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.




4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General




5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent




6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.




7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

 

[Romero]

Haha :lol:
I hope you got more.

Is A&E a hospital in London?

 

[Torque]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to schitt yourself when I tell you the price.'

 

[v iBaxter]

a&e stands for accident and emergency.
1st was very good.haha

 

[Romero]

Any more stories?

 

[Elochai]

A teacher was giving out assignments to her fourth grade class and she told her class that they needed to write a story about something that has happened in either their life or the life of someone in their family and to try to find the morale to that story. A week goes by and the classes assignment is due. The teacher says, "Okay Billy, you are up first. Please go to the front of the class and read your story." Billy stands up and walks to the chalk board and begins to read his story. "I wrote about my Uncle Ted and the time he was shot down over Vietnam." Billy clears his throat and continues, "Uncle Ted was on a routine flight scouting for enemy positions when a missile shoots him down. When he crawls out of the wreckage he finds that he is surrounded by 20 angry vietmanese. He checks his supplies and finds that he has a six shooter revolver, a six pack of beer, and a combat knife. He fires off all six rounds and kills five of the soldiers. He then chugged the six pack and killed the rest with his knife. The end." The teacher looks at Billy and asks, "Billy, what is the morale of the story?" Billy replies, "Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

This is one of my favorite jokes xD. BUT if it is offensive to ANYONE let me know and I will delete it.

 

[Torque]

Six Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a sh*t."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

 

[Torque]

10 things in golf that sound dirty:

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

----------------------------------
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Torque]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[Romero]

Very good. :lol: "United Urop". :lol:

ziz

What is this word?

 

[Torque]

Ah, ziz was a typo, its meant to be ze haha. Sorry about that :lol:

 

[Torque]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[LordGolbez]

A Man Was In A Car Accident And When He Recovered Enough The Doctor Came To Talk To Him. "Well The Good News Your Insurance Claim Came Though And You Got 9000 Dollars." "What's The Bad News?" Asked The Man. "Well You Lost Your Member In The Accident But I Can Recommend A Good Doctor Who Deals In These Sorts Of Operations." "How Much Is It Going To Cost?" Asked The Man. "The Price Is 1000 Dollars An Inch, So If You Had Nine Inches Before And Go With Five The Wife Might Not Be To Happy Also If You Had Five Inches Before And Go With Nine Inches She Might Not Be To Happy Either." Said The Doctor. The Man Said "I Don't Know Let Me Go Home And Ask The Wife." Well He Goes Home And Comes Backs A Couple Of Days Later. The Doctor Asks "What Did You Decide On?" The Man Says "We Decided On New Kitchen Cabinets.":lol:

 

[echoey]

This guy was staring at me. " what you looking at" said I. " you tell me" said he. " oh, a coc*y fu**er are we?" said I. So I punched him and stole his guide dog, that'll teach him.

 

[La Femme Fatale]

Here's a couple of jokes my aunt got in the mail from the Canadian government a couple years ago. Because only Canada's administration would send cheeky jokes in the mail. :lol: Just a warning - Americans, you might not like this one.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He enquired of God "Where have you been?". God sighed a deep sign of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael, look what I have made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It is a planet!", replied God. "And I have put LIFE on it. I am going to call it EARTH, and it is going to be a place of great BALANCE".

"BALANCE?" enquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Nothern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there, I have placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be very cold, and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What is that one?"

"Ah.", said God. "That is Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found travelling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working, and high acheiving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace. I am also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about BALANCE, God? You said there will be BALANCE."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth neighbours I am putting next to them..."

And another...

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN

1) It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job

2) It is important that a man makes you laugh

3) It is important to find a man you can count on and does not lie to you

4) It is important that a man loves you and spoils you

5) It is important that these four men do not know eachother

 

[Jason-Voorhees]

excella joke i came up with

Random Person: Excella, Are they Real

Excella: Aww, You'll find out soon enough... Everyone Will

 

[Ivan]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"